I hate to make my first blog post on a negative note, but I suppose it can get better from here.
Today my allergies seemed to loom mockingly in my face. Most days of the week I live off at school in a university dorm room where I keep all my "Jacqueline-friendly" foods. I obviously don't keep foods kicking around that I can't have, so I'm not immediately faced with the temptation of resisting eating all the forbidden foods. Granted, I do work at a fast food place, and am daily surrounded on campus by foods I can't have, but it's not so bad there because in order to have those foods, I would have to pay for them. But yesterday I came home for the weekend. I didn't realize what a struggle this would be.
My mom's tantalizing chip bag left open that seemed to beg for a hand to reach inside...a pie sitting carelessly on the counter top, my dad loudly proclaiming he was going to get ice cream to go with his slice, my brother's beautiful, thick and fluffy all-purpose flour pancakes sitting in a giant, mouthwatering heap as they cooled on the breakfast table next to my dark, crumbly, overshadowed buckwheat ones in the shadows...the vibrant tomato sauce covering the chewy penne pasta that was part of the dinner that I watched my family enjoy while I munched on cauliflower and peas...
ARGH!!!!
I don't think I'm very good at having allergies yet. I don't always know how to act, who to tell, how to be safe, yet how to be reasonable. Obviously my family is not going to stop eating the foods I can't eat (I'm almost never here anyways, for goodness sakes). I can't help the part of me inside that feels affronted every time people eat some of my forbidden foods in front of me. They're just being normal, but I can't seem to help reading their actions as flaunting. Part of me wants to snap at them not to be so mean in reminding me of my exclusion from so many wonderful foods, and another part keeps telling myself that I need to just stop being bothered by their behaviour; that they haven't done anything wrong, but that there's something wrong with me...And I'm often left wondering were the line between others' accommodation and my own, er, eye aversion, should fall. I don't really know. Having extensive food allergies can really really suck. I now empathize with others who also experience this suck: I feel your pain, I am new to this crew, having only discovered my allergies about a month ago, and I can't imagine having to live this way potentially for years. Or for life.
Even having allergies for such a short amount of time, I already sometimes feel trapped and enslaved by them. I no longer get to choose my meals based on what my appetite is craving at that particular moment now that my body has screamed out that some things are anathema. I feel somewhat betrayed by my body, like it has suddenly bailed on me, telling me that, contrary to what I've always thought, I am not a normal person, and any sense of control over my body and health that I ever possessed was an illusion, a lie. I'm a slave to a piece of cryptic, yet damning piece of paper, with certain food items highlighted, the neon yellow marker flashing a warning sign to me.
But I don't want this to be my story. I don't want to live my life as a trapped slave. I want to get over my allergies, but I don't know if that will be possible for me, and I don't want to put my life on hold until/if I do. I want to live happily on this restricted diet. I want to celebrate my life and I want to thrive. I will live free from sugar, from gluten, from dairy, from eggs, from cucumber, carrots and coconut (and...well, I'll spare you the whole list here), and I will live free from feeling trapped, betrayed by my own body and oppressed by the diets of the rest of world. I will be gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free...I will be without almonds, peanuts, lettuce, spinach...I will do foods free and without and I will thrive. I will be free, in all senses of the word.
At least, I will do my best to try. Join me?
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